


Lately, I've Been Thinking...

by MadameStylinsonoftheNoueh



Series: Loki Character Studies [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, God this is sad, Heavy Angst, I have a lot of feelings, M/M, and that credits scene, and theyre not happy, im so sorry, im sorry again, second part will be beginning of infinity war, this happens in between ragnarok, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-08-09 04:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16442978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameStylinsonoftheNoueh/pseuds/MadameStylinsonoftheNoueh
Summary: At the end of it all, when everyone on the ship is settled, and duties are done--it’s silent.





	1. Only for a minute, I want to change my mind

**Author's Note:**

> So this little thing was inspired by the song "Happier" by Marshmello and Bastille. That song genuinely threw me into this beginning scene without any warning, and I had to write it down as quickly as possible before I started crying from angst. So now I'm going to share this shit rollercoaster with you guys. Hopefully, second part will be out soon. I haven't finished writing it yet.

At the end of it all, when everyone on the ship is settled, and duties are done--it’s silent.

Loki knows that it’s simply because everyone is exhausted to the bone, sleeping off the efforts of the battle. But he can’t help feeling like this is merely a moment’s pause, the final breath before the world sets aflame once more--this time brighter and more dangerous than anyone can imagine. 

He knows what that flame is, the destructive force that lies behind it. He knows that Thanos is coming for him, has accepted his fate. It’s a shadow that clings to him, no matter how far he runs; an animal lying in wait just beyond his peripheral vision, poised to strike without a moment’s notice. He’s accepted it, just as he has accepted all other parts of his existence that trouble him--he ignores it. 

The problem with ignoring things, however, is that they are still there. The bill still comes due, and Loki’s is far past that. He can feel his reckoning approaching, with an immediacy that tangles itself in his bones, makes them ache with the ghost of future pain.

He’s putting Thor in danger the longer he stays. But he can’t find it in himself to leave. 

Something stirs within his chest, makes his heart ache, as he simply lies still in bed watching Thor sleep. The brute has been snoring for hours now, but Loki can’t find it in himself to wake him. It feels as though they've both been going non-stop ever since Odin’s death. He deserves his sleep. 

Loki knows what he has to do, what he deserves. What Thor deserves. 

His things lie in the corner, packed in magicked bags, hidden under an invisibility spell. Valkyrie has been sworn to secrecy. All is ready, save for Loki. 

He tries to ignore the tear that rolls down his cold cheek as he moves just a bit closer to Thor. Just to get one last look at his face, he tells himself. An image to commit to memory, something to remember his brother by. 

The movement wakes Thor, and everything within Loki wants to scream. He tries to brush his tears away before Thor notices, but his brother is more observant than most give him credit for. Than he gives him credit for. 

A warm, calloused hand caresses his cheek. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing,” he lies. He knows Thor will see through it, hopes he’s too tired to push the matter further. 

The hand on his cheek moves to clasp at his bare hip, pulling the two closer together. Loki can feel the heat Thor radiates like a furnace; he wishes he could say it didn’t feel good. He can feel his heart breaking as he allows his head to rest on Thor’s strong, warm chest. 

Thor’s strong heartbeat echoes back to his own, and Loki thinks perhaps their hearts are breaking together. 

“Sleep now, brother. We will talk in the morning.” Thor drifts back off to sleep within moments. 

Just one more hour, Loki allows to himself, knowing he has to be gone before morning arrives. Knowing he’s only hurting himself by staying.


	2. I want to see you smile, but know that means I have to leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That godawful scene from Infinity War, but somehow with more angst.
> 
> I'm sorry.

Plans have an unhappy way of not working out in the way that they were meant to. Loki knows this from experience, so why he thought for once things would go the way that he wanted to is beyond him.

His plans never work. Loki is already formulating another as he stands before Thanos, who carries the newly-acquired Tesseract in his gauntlet. It’s a new plan, a better one, one that carries a higher rate of success in saving Thor from Thanos’s deadly hand. A plan that requires far more sacrifice than any that came before it. 

The back of his throat tightens, but the words escape freely and unbidden. He’s a trickster by nature, lies and underhanded promises flow from his lips like honey at a moment’s notice. In this moment, his mouth tastes of the metallic tang of steel. 

A bow, the thrust of a dagger stopped short, and Loki knows that he’s won.

In the back of his mind, he knows his body’s reacting purely on instinct, fighting back against the hand wrapping tight around his neck, denying him of breath. The terror is real and nearly overwhelming within the moment, though, and it’s not hard to play up an emotion that’s already there. 

Loki hadn’t accounted for how much dying hurt. 

Sure, there was the time on Svartalfheim when he’d been run through by the Dark Elf, but he hadn’t truly been dying in that moment. Simply biding his time, an illusion cast in order to get Thor’s focus off of him as he healed and worked on a plan to sneak away. 

This time, Loki was dying for real. He could feel the ligaments and tendons snapping and bruising within his neck, the way that his lungs burned for air. The way that his life and seidr was escaping his body. 

Thoughts and pictures flashed through his mind’s eye, happy memories combined with yearnings for things that now would never come to pass. Most common was Thor, his smile, his laugh, the way in which he said brother in a way that meant so much more than that. Thor with his endless forgiveness. 

Thor shouldn’t have to see this, he thought as his body grew cold in a manner beyond his Jotun biology. He wished that Thor could move on past this. 

He wished for Thor’s happiness.

And then he wished for nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been proven that if you watch this video after reading this, you will cry 10 times harder: https://youtu.be/q5spCkwdBww
> 
> (Video is not mine)


End file.
